My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
