I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
false alarm, still single
Randomize
