no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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