i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
