I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
