We're facebook friends in real life
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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