yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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