just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
