Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
