Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
We're too hungover to prance.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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