I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
