If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
