I wannas sexs uuuuu
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
