I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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