you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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