there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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