got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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