I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
