What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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