Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
