He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
