what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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