i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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