also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
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