You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
