I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
