I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
