You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
