Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
NoShamevember. You game?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Randomize
