I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
