I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
