dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
