Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
