Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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