Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
