the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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