the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
