Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
