oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
someone threw a dead crab at me
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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