She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
