so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
