I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
