he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
