Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
