I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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