Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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