Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
