it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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