Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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