Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
