It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
