Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
