Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
