i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
