I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
