I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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