I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
