Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
