Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
